This Kind of Love Kills: Codependency, the Dark Side

Codependency is not easy to spot. When you are codependent, you often see yourself as someone who wants to always help out. You are the last one to eat and the first one to jump up to make sure everyone has what they need. You feel compelled to scan the environment, looking for an opportunity to 'help' someone. You don't know how not to worry about others or how not to self-sacrifice for what you have decided is what someone else needs.

Codependency: The Dark Side

The dark side of codependency leads to burnout, deep-seated frustration, anger, and depression. Our inner child has learned that to feel safe, we must detach from the self, focus on others, and do all we can to not become a target for someone else's rage or criticism. By being good little boys and girls, anticipating our mother and father's needs, and not speaking up about our loneliness, fears, or needs, we could manage our parents' emotions and gain a shard of acceptance through compliance and hypervigilance. 

Codependency Patterns Surface in Relationships

In adulthood and our most intimate relationships, these malignant wounds surface in the dance we do with our unsuspecting partners. Blind to the dynamics that fuel how we show up in relationships, we can fixate on our partners, parents, and children while our ego drives our boats, unaware we are unaware. In all of the taking care of, fixing, rescuing, and self-sacrificing, the ego expects validation, a pat on the back, recognition, adoration, connection, and love. And if we are not careful, we can suffocate those trying to love us with our unhealthy reactions that surface when we do not receive the recognition our ego seeks in all of our caretaking.

Codependency is Conditional Love, Albeit Subconscious 

Rather than love without expectation until we heal, codependents often care with unrealistic and unfair expectations. And while our dance stems from wounds and immature belief systems that have been downloaded into the subconscious mind, and they are not our fault, there is no way out of the cave codependency is without awakening to our unhealthy patterns. If we are serious about healing our relationships with our partner, children, or with our inner child, humility is required.

Not All Codependents Attract Narcissists 

While most codependents do tend to partner with narcissists or avoidants, the truth is many codependents are in relationships that could be salvaged and even better than ever if they could awaken to the subconscious childhood patterns created at a time in their lives when they were only trying to figure out how not to feel so alone.

Dear One, I have been there and each and every day I do all I can to stay on top of my thoughts by milking the silent observer within, so that my intentions for love remain pure and without unhealthy attachments to outcomes.

Learning to love for the sake of being love changes the dance!

We got this!

To learn more about how you can heal the abandonment wounds responsible for codependency, consider The 12 Week Breakthrough Coaching Program. This is step one of the Conscious Healing Academy and is represents the first phase of self actualization, and wholeness integration. Step two is the 8 Week Master Your Emotions Master Class and step three is Soul School, a Course in the Quantum Science of Love Consciousness. 

https://www.lisaaromano.com/12-wbcp 

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