The Empath's Dilemma: Finding Balance Between Empathy and Codependency

By Lisa A. Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach & Codependency Recovery Expert

As a child, I often wondered if I was dropped off by an alien ship. I found myself feeling weighed down by grief, sadness, emptiness, overwhelm, and utter confusion. I remember thinking, "Why is my family so mean? Why can't we be nice to one another? Why isn't mommy loving toward me, and how come daddy ignores how cruel she is to me?"

It didn't make sense to me then, and even now, I feel a heaviness in my heart when I think about how much precious time was wasted in a family that could have loved, supported, cared for, and nurtured one another. Instead, it felt more like we were playing mental and emotional wargames. Approval served as a tool for manipulating conformity and obedience, while razor-sharp sarcasm disguised as humor and endless criticism dressed up as constructive critiques diminished any desire to express your truth.

How Empathic Children Adapt to Survive

I learned early that smiling when I felt like crying solved two subconscious conflicts:

1. I felt less abandoned by my parents when I abandoned my inner reality (self)
2. I learned that if I pretended to be happy (dissociating from my true self), those I loved seemed happier and less agitated, which made me feel safer, less anxious, and less afraid

Today, I realize how my early childhood experiences created inner wounds that bound me to the past, like thick scar tissue, until I found the courage to free my inner child from the pain of that past.

The Sensitive Child in a Dysfunctional Family

Many of my clients were children like me: sensitive, intuitive, naturally nurturing, forgiving, protective, and empathetic. However, we were born into families plagued by addictions, narcissism, codependency, and emotional immaturity.

For a sensitive, empathic, intuitive child, being born into dysfunctional families often erodes our ability to speak from the heart, set difficult boundaries, and assertively say NO MORE.

Understanding the Neuroscience of Empathy

Empathy is a beautiful quality. It's what ensures we as humans do not destroy one another. It's why when I yawn, my husband Anthony yawns. This phenomenon is rooted in the area of the brain that houses 'empathy neurons.'

As you most likely know, narcissists are empathy deficient. They only have empathy for themselves, and imagining or feeling what you feel is a real challenge for a narcissist. Intellectually, they know how you probably should feel but cannot feel you as a separate, autonomous human being. That's why they can be cruel, dismissive, lie, condemn, belittle you, and discard you.

The Journey from Self-Sabotage to Self-Understanding

As I progressed in my inner child recovery, sparked by my diagnosis of codependency and clinical depression, my inner world, which had once been so self-sabotaging, began to make sense.

I was not crazy. I was not broken. I was simply trapped in survival patterns of:

• Seeking approval
• Faking happiness
• Downplaying myself
• Trying to please others at my own expense
• Believing that everyone else was more worthy, smarter, and more deserving of respect than I was

Therefore, the shame I felt seemed valid and my fault.

When Empathy Becomes a Double-Edged Sword

Since then, I have also learned to understand how innate empathy can be a double-edged sword, especially when combined with early abandonment wounds.

My ability to empathize has prevented me from setting boundaries with toxic family members and friends. It has caused me to spend countless hours believing that I could help someone stop ruining their lives if I spent just enough time encouraging them, even when I was being drained and taken advantage of.

Empathy, mixed with low self-worth and feeling not good enough, is why I rationalized remaining in an unhealthy marriage for a dozen years, abandoning my inner self, strangled by the fears of what others would have to say about me if I dared tell my truth and expressed my utter disgust and unhappiness in my first marriage.

The Regrets We Carry and How to Heal Them

And it's the reason my children were exposed to unhealthy, toxic dynamics for much longer than they should have been. That reality is something I live with every moment of every day. However, codependency recovery has allowed me to master the art of forgiving my younger, trapped self for what she did not know at the time.

This is an ongoing journey, Dear Ones, and learning to process heavy regrets like these is part of the self-mastery and healing from codependency. It feels incredibly empowering to speak the raw, painful truth without gut-wrenching, stomach-twisting, bone-crushing shame but with awareness, understanding, and empathy for my younger self.

It's amazing! I actually feel like a grown-up with a stainless steel spine! When you learn to face your regrets with self-love, self-understanding, and self-compassion, you disarm anyone from trying to guilt or shame you!

Turning Empathy Inward: The Key to Healing

Dear One, one of the tools I have learned to heal from within is turning empathy toward my inner child, younger self, and ego-self, the facets of my developing personality that did their best to figure out how to survive in a crazy, toxic, unloving environment, when the being I was was dependent and utterly powerless.

Empathy is not the issue. The inner child's unhealed, neglected, and unacknowledged wounds create subconscious survival patterns of thinking, feeling, behaving, expecting, rationalizing, and decision-making, all at hyper speed; these are the issues we must resolve on our pass through life if we are to find and live from the authentic self.

Celebrating Transformation: A Client's Journey

Today, I want to gush over a client of mine who has found the courage to speak publicly about his journey from inner wounds to inner strength. Although he has chosen to remain anonymous for valid personal reasons, his voice, story, and passion for healing the self will resonate with you today.

After he sent me his podcast, and I listened to it entirely, I immediately called him via Facebook audio and congratulated him on his profound transformation. You will notice how his empathy for others, combined with early childhood abandonment, neglect, and emotional abuse, got him caught up in subconscious traps he didn't even know existed. You will hear, weaved within his story, a journey of courage, fortitude, humility, accountability, and determination, all exceptional qualities that have helped this man find his true self.

Finding Your Balance: Steps Forward

If you recognize yourself in this story, here are some practical steps to help balance your natural empathy with healthy boundaries:

1. Practice self-awareness: Notice when your empathy is leading you to sacrifice your own needs
2. Start small with boundaries: Begin setting limits in less threatening relationships before tackling the more challenging ones
3. Use "empathy pauses": When you feel overwhelmed by others' emotions, take a moment to check in with yourself
4. Develop self-compassion practices: Treat yourself with the same kindness you offer others
5. Seek support: Connect with others who understand the empath-codependency connection

Continue Your Healing Journey

Ready to continue your healing journey? The Loving the Self app provides daily affirmations, guided meditations, and practical tools to help you find balance between your natural empathy and healthy boundaries.

Download the Loving the Self Affirmations app today and take the next step toward reclaiming your authentic self. Each day, you'll receive powerful reminders that support your recovery journey and help strengthen your connection to your true self.

Remember, your empathy is a gift, not a burden, when balanced with self-care and healthy boundaries.

All my love,

Lisa A. Romano

Lisa A. Romano is a Breakthrough Life Coach, bestselling author, and YouTube mentor specializing in codependency recovery, inner child healing, and narcissistic abuse recovery. Through her programs and resources, she has helped thousands worldwide break free from limiting beliefs and reclaim their personal power.

For deeper healing, check out the 21 Day Journaling Adventure