Sometimes it can be difficult to observe your thoughts and especially when triggered and after spending time with those who trigger you.
It can be challenging to regroup and gain emotional control after having had a strenuous conversation, argument, confrontation or some type of interaction that has knocked you off balance.
We live in a sea of others vibrations, others perspectives, others wounds, others triggers, and others agendas. And when we love people, it can difficult to separate our stuff from their stuff.
Codependency creeps up in the most beautiful of spaces.
When we worry more about our sister and her kids than we do ourselves and our own kids...
When we worry more about how to fix the neighbor's love life than we worry about our own marriage and relationships.
When we fail to set a boundary with someone who may not realize they have crossed one...
When we take on other people's issues even though we are drowning in our own.
When we fail to recognize our own codependent...
Ending the cycles of codependency must end with us. We must do all we can to heal our wounded hearts enough so that we no longer think we need the validation of others to help make us feel whole.
Codependents generally stay in relationships long after they should have left them behind. Because we have not been taught to believe we are enough, we fear abandonment and often cling when instead we should be letting go.
Another reason we stay in unfulfilling and abusive relationships is because we do not know how to honor our feelings. We don't know how to stop and ask ourselves how we feel. Instead, we focus on others, cater to their needs, and fail to honor what is happening inside of us.
If we are going to break the cycle of codependency, we must first heal ourselves. When we heal ourselves, then and only then can we help our children understand the value of honoring the SELF.
Any adult child of an alcoholic or any adult child of an emotionally manipulative parent would tell you that the slightest conversation about the most mundane thing is enough to cause a total breakdown in communication with one of or both of their dysfunctional parents.
Whether it is a conversation about the weather, or about a news story on television, when trying to communicate with an alcoholic--or emotional manipulator--even the most simple conversation topics are enough to start what feels like a cold war.
Because non-alcoholics and non-emotionally manipulative people tend to communicate clearly--it is easy to become frustrated when attempting to converse with someone whose intent is 'not' to communicate clearly.
Anyone who has had the unpleasant experience of needing to speak to an alcoholic about a specific topic, with the intent to get to the bottom of some dynamic--will tell you that it is like trying to communicate with someone who speaks a different language. What boggles...
As a lover of recovery--I am thankful that I have lived long enough to learn to appreciate the power of consistency. Aging has graced me with more than just crows feet.
I have learned to appreciate the need for grounding myself at the beginning of each new day. Once, I was but a feather in the wind, believing myself to be little more than a victim of all things including mother nature. Today however, I am humbled by my past ignorances.
It is not enough to complain about anything. Complaining--implies one believes oneself to be a victim to whatever emotion or circumstance one finds oneself in. Many years into my recovery, I have learned that I was always in the cockpit. Once, I was just unaware.
I get it now--or at least for now at this stage of my awareness--I think I do; God is all that is--and that includes the 'thing' that I am.
This concept begs for the answer to the question then, "What then, am I?"
Years of quiet thoughts spoken only in the isolated chambers of my mind have...
As an adult child of an alcoholic, you are probably struggling with various emotional issues. Very often unaware adult children of alcoholics do not even realize that the drama they are facing in their everyday lives is controllable.
"What?" I hear you, my dear reader ask. "These dramas are happening to me. I am not in control over this lunacy," I hear you thinking.
For many years I too believed that the chaos that surrounded me was mayhem I could not control. From my unawakened perspective, I was in fact the victim. In my zombie like mind I was the one who was doing everything right. It was all of 'those other people' in my life that were screwed up. It was never me. If I felt angry, enraged or sad, it was because of something someone else had said or done. My thought process had me blaming everyone else for why I felt the way I felt--or for why I could not move forward in various areas of my life.
I have learned to understand that pain is one of life's greatest teachers. Like...
When I was going through my recovery process, initially I attended 12 step programs to help me stay aware. At first I thought this was a really good idea, but the more meetings I attended the more I realized they were not for me.
Although I do firmly believe some people benefit tremendously from 12 step meetings, there are those of us who simply do not.
For all of you adult children of alcoholics, as well as grandchildren of alcoholics--and least we not forget our brothers and sisters who were born to 'dry' dysfunctional parents--this post is for you!
Coming Out Of The Closet
My mission in life is to bring as many ACoA's as well as any adult children of the dysfunctional who were born to emotional vampires--and were turned into zombies--by nonsensical parenting--out of the damn closet!
We have done nothing wrong!
Yes, certainly group meetings are intended to be safe places where attendees can share their laundry lists without the fear of other members spreading their personal...
Codependency is everywhere. It is in our media, our newspapers, and on our airwaves. In obvious as well as covert ways we as a people are being brainwashed to worry more about what others think about us than what we think about ourselves. In addition, we are bombarded with subliminal messages that cause us to unconsciously fear being alone, unworthy, and definitely not enough.
From Cinderella to so called 'Reality TV' we consumers--consume the garbage we observe without as much as a 'WTF?'
We get sucked into the codependent dramas we witness on television and in the movies and rarely stop to think, "Hey wait a minute. What did I just absorb into my freakin' psyche right now?"
In overt as well as covert ways we the individuals--that in all make up the masses are being hypnotized to believe we are not enough. We are so not enough--we need to take diet pills, get lash extensions, study porn for the latest sex positions, say yes when we wish we could say no, have the perfect marriage,...
While the term 'codependency' may be clouded with misunderstandings, it is quite an epidemic. In fact, it is a worldwide epidemic, although rarely does the common man stop to ponder such deep thinking thoughts.
By common man, I am referring to those amongst us who have forgotten or perhaps have never learned to think.
Codependency is a programmed condition that is rooted in the very fibers of the blueprint that becomes a beings subconscious belief system.
Why is this important to pick apart and totally understand?
Because if you do not know your Self--you are no more than a walking, breathing zombie. That's right, a zombie.
Before I began my recovery journey I often said, "I feel like a shell." I didn't feel real, but I didn't know why.
I believe that the disconnect between my psychological mind, which was founded on my subconscious belief systems and the most natural facet of me; my spirit/soul/self was the reason I did not feel whole.
In fact, I wasn't whole. I was a fragmented...
As a Life Coach, Mentor, Consultant but primarily ADVOCATE for adult children of alcoholics, I understand all too well the silent ills that can plague the mind of a being who has been conditioned to believe that the very essence of who they are--is unworthy.
Every single one of us--including YOU the entity reading and translating the little letters on this page was born perfect, worthy and yes dear one--even ENOUGH!
But what happened?
Why have so many of us gone astray?
How is it--if you and I were born worthy--that we can feel so empty and lost on the inside?
Take a deep breath, perhaps grab a cup of tea--and allow your mind to absorb the information you are about to take in. You may have to read this article and others like it many times over before the wisdom is able to be absorbed by your very tattered mind. This is not your fault. Your mind has been programmed to not only reject information about the validity of your soul--but it has been taught to NOT trust the very emotions...