It is not uncommon for abused adult children to put someone they know on a pedestal. Often those of us who have experienced childhood trauma, attach ourselves to best friends, people, lovers, spouses, and alike, and place all our dreams upon these ‘others.’ On some level, we are escaping the abyss our abandonment trauma has left in its wake by making someone else or something our external higher power. This friend, we think, shall help us avoid the pain we know lurks within our soul. We become ATTACHED and live in FEAR that the relationship one day may possibly end, although we may never consciously acknowledge that this is true.
This type of codependency only reinforces our lack of self-love. Whenever we make someone else our god, savior or rescuer, we are turning away from the DIVINE SOURCE within us. When we ATTACH to someone outside of us, in an attempt to avoid our abandonment trauma, we unknowingly place unrealistic expectations upon them. We unconsciously wish...
Codependency sucks and generally, many of us do not heal until we have experienced so much pain, we can no longer stay in denial.
We might hang on to that snotty friend who minimizes us in front of other people because her mother is an alcoholic and we feel ‘sorry’ for her. We might not confront our spouse about how rejected we feel whenever they make fun of our thighs because we are afraid we might make them angry and maybe cause them to leave us. We might take care of our friend's bills, even though we know the reason they can’t pay their rent is that they’re on drugs. We might lie for our sibling even though we know they stole money from our mother because we don’t know how to set boundaries.
In many of the cases, codependency stays in play until one day the pain of ignoring how we feel reaches critical mass and we just cannot take it anymore. Out of denial, we are forced to save ourselves as we realize, those we have lied for, catered to and...
Codependents are those of us who have grown up detached and dissociated from the divine self, who have learned to ignore our inner child, and who have been conditioned to behave in ways that allow us to exist without really existing.
We are people who have felt emotionally ignored, despised, devalued, neglected, and disregarded, who today, are learning that fawning, rescuing, lying, and denying our true desires leads to depression, anxiety, resentment, chronic illnesses, inflammation, divorce, cheating, and toxic relationships.
The older we get we begin understanding that praying others will read our minds so we don't have to dare risk telling our truth, only wastes our precious Creator Given-Limited time on this miraculous planet called Earth.
Healing from this EPIDEMIC called CODEPENDENCY begins with telling our truth at least to ourselves. Confessing our truth to ourselves can be scary because we have been conditioned to gain the validation and attachment to others at all costs....
Codependent recovery, when done deeply will kick our ass.
As codependents, we have lost our identity and who we think we are can be enmeshed with how worthy or valuable we are to others.
OMG and SMH!!!!
Codependents make OTHER people our GOD!
We make other people our HIGHER POWER!
We obsess about taking care of people who can't take care of themselves, and often, we rant, rage, and complain the entire time we are catering to the needs of others.
We are out of control, pissed, depressed, and resentful, because we are tired, frustrated, and feel abandoned.
We do not know we are abandoning the self and WORSE--we do not know how to RESCUE the self.
WHAT A FREAKING EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, NEUROLOGICAL, VIBRATIONAL, PHYSICAL, and PSYCHOLOGICAL MESS!!!!!!!!
Withdrawal is a HUGE part of CODEPENDENT RECOVERY and it is SCARY AS HELL!
We don't know how to NOT take care of other people, or how to NOT anticipate the needs of others.
We don't know how to focus on our own self-care.
We don't know...
Scary but true.
Human beings can go an entire lifetime, unaware that the thoughts that are flowing through our minds are all tied to what information, patterns, beliefs, and programs have been downloaded as a result of childhood experiences.
Childhood emotional neglect causes great trauma and many of us fail to recognize how being ignored, treated with indifference and sometimes even with contempt, can cause us to become emotionally arrested without us ever realizing this to be true.
How happy are you today, really?
How individualized do you feel?
Do you feel confident and like you can stand on your own two feet?
How dependent are you upon others, financially, emotionally, or physically?
Do you tend to enmesh with others?
Are you more comfortable when taking care of or rescuing others who seem to 'need' someone to take care of them?
Do you avoid what is really bothering you and instead busy yourself with other things, like other people's issues rather than focusing...
Sometimes it can be difficult to observe your thoughts and especially when triggered and after spending time with those who trigger you.
It can be challenging to regroup and gain emotional control after having had a strenuous conversation, argument, confrontation or some type of interaction that has knocked you off balance.
We live in a sea of others vibrations, others perspectives, others wounds, others triggers, and others agendas. And when we love people, it can difficult to separate our stuff from their stuff.
Codependency creeps up in the most beautiful of spaces.
When we worry more about our sister and her kids than we do ourselves and our own kids...
When we worry more about how to fix the neighbor's love life than we worry about our own marriage and relationships.
When we fail to set a boundary with someone who may not realize they have crossed one...
When we take on other people's issues even though we are drowning in our own.
When we fail to recognize our own codependent...
Ending the cycles of codependency must end with us. We must do all we can to heal our wounded hearts enough so that we no longer think we need the validation of others to help make us feel whole.
Codependents generally stay in relationships long after they should have left them behind. Because we have not been taught to believe we are enough, we fear abandonment and often cling when instead we should be letting go.
Another reason we stay in unfulfilling and abusive relationships is because we do not know how to honor our feelings. We don't know how to stop and ask ourselves how we feel. Instead, we focus on others, cater to their needs, and fail to honor what is happening inside of us.
If we are going to break the cycle of codependency, we must first heal ourselves. When we heal ourselves, then and only then can we help our children understand the value of honoring the SELF.
Any adult child of an alcoholic or any adult child of an emotionally manipulative parent would tell you that the slightest conversation about the most mundane thing is enough to cause a total breakdown in communication with one of or both of their dysfunctional parents.
Whether it is a conversation about the weather, or about a news story on television, when trying to communicate with an alcoholic--or emotional manipulator--even the most simple conversation topics are enough to start what feels like a cold war.
Because non-alcoholics and non-emotionally manipulative people tend to communicate clearly--it is easy to become frustrated when attempting to converse with someone whose intent is 'not' to communicate clearly.
Anyone who has had the unpleasant experience of needing to speak to an alcoholic about a specific topic, with the intent to get to the bottom of some dynamic--will tell you that it is like trying to communicate with someone who speaks a different language. What boggles...
As a lover of recovery--I am thankful that I have lived long enough to learn to appreciate the power of consistency. Aging has graced me with more than just crows feet.
I have learned to appreciate the need for grounding myself at the beginning of each new day. Once, I was but a feather in the wind, believing myself to be little more than a victim of all things including mother nature. Today however, I am humbled by my past ignorances.
It is not enough to complain about anything. Complaining--implies one believes oneself to be a victim to whatever emotion or circumstance one finds oneself in. Many years into my recovery, I have learned that I was always in the cockpit. Once, I was just unaware.
I get it now--or at least for now at this stage of my awareness--I think I do; God is all that is--and that includes the 'thing' that I am.
This concept begs for the answer to the question then, "What then, am I?"
Years of quiet thoughts spoken only in the isolated chambers of my mind have...